Estrangement

It's just a fact of life. We lose people. That we care about. That we love. Estrangement is more than just losing people. They fade from existence and don't resurface into your life... ever. For those of you that don't know, estrangement usually happens without any explanation or reason for the 'falling out'. This leaves family members, lovers, or friends in a state of devastating proportions. They desperately try to find a reason - any explanation as to why this person left their lives- and often to no avail.

We try to reach out, to understand why they did what they did. But again, to no avail. With the parties that leave the relationship, the situation, whatever it may be, there is a hesitance and avoidance of their feelings and the feelings of others. They avoid the relationship and situation because they don't know how to deal with certain feelings, thoughts, and issues that need to be worked out with the person. Unfortunately, they (usually) never are solved.

Behind the people that estrange is a self-perception of weakness, guilt, and anger over who they are. They don't feel they deserve resolution, but often hide behind the guise that they are the greatest conversationalist, are more family oriented than you, and deserve more than what you have because of all they've had to go through. Sure, this person that has gone through whatever he or she has warrants some understanding, but at some point, this deserving and worthy facade must be evaluated as a self-delusion. These people are hurting inside. They need help and they don't want to get help because it confirms what they already think about themselves - the opposite of this guise they present to anyone else.

People who estrange themselves, that as we discussed have some clear and present issues, also tend to be passive aggressive, narcissistic, and have a vendetta for anyone they believe to have done wrong to them. By the use of puppet strings and distance they will try to control you or influence what happens in your life. They will use guilt, false information, and bad intentions to try to get to you.

Be careful. And distance yourself. It's up to you at this point to decide whether you want to try again at a relationship with this person or not. But remember this: you do not owe them anything. Yes, that probably seems a little harsh, but think about it; anyone that puts high expectations on you, that continuously aims to make you feel guilty, and generally does not have good intentions, is not worth having a relationship with. Those that estrange are constantly at war with you whether you notice it or not. They will try to underpin you on something minor just to get a reaction from you, to make you feel what they feel.

This happened to me. It's probably pretty obvious to you at this point. It happened not that long ago, really. For the privacy of the real individuals, I'll call them Damien and Dora. Yeah, probably stupid pseudonyms right? Ah, it works. Damien and Dora were really close with me. They spent almost every waking moment with me, being part of my life starting when I was born to when I was about 16. And then all of a sudden... GONE! I consider myself pretty aware of myself and what's going on around me. But I felt I really missed it when my parents told me all about Damien and Dora - what they were really like. What they really felt about us. Of course, as I've said before, we never really found out why they left us. And why they cancelled us out of their lives for good. It hurts...

Writing this entry now, I'm thinking about all the stories I've been told about Damien and Dora. All the stories that have made me feel that I never knew them and why did I think I could keep a relationship with people like them. See, I tried too hard. I let myself feel bad for their insecurities, their issues, and ultimately, let myself feel guilty about what happened (whatever that may have been). Who knows? What I'm trying to say is: evaluate your relationship. Look at it at every angle and determine what your adding to vs. what they're adding to it. Are they doing things to make you feel bad when you haven't done anything wrong? Are they distancing themselves further and further away from you because of... what?

Estrangement happens everyday on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Tinder, Bumble, and countless others. In a world with instant connection, we also find ourselves in a world with instant rejection and detachment. In the power we hold when we accept someone, we also find power in detaching, rejecting, and... estranging. Yeah, I know; everyone knows it as ghosting. Whatever. Same thing, right? The same thing is being done. Acceptance, convergence, and then BAM, they're gone. We have to remind ourselves that other people have feelings too. Yes, dealing with these feelings - being with them always - is very difficult. We all have things going on, but remember who you are and who you are in a relationship with. Yes, you gain a sense of power from rejecting them once you think they are coming to understand you and your feelings, issues, and your quirks. But is it worth it to set a trend for yourself and others to constantly estrange and never really find love, commitment, and friendship? To never want to open up to someone? To never trust someone that you love and loves you back?