It's just a fact of life. We lose people. That we care about. That we love. Estrangement is more than just losing people. They fade from existence and don't resurface into your life... ever. For those of you that don't know, estrangement usually happens without any explanation or reason for the 'falling out'. This leaves family members, lovers, or friends in a state of devastating proportions. They desperately try to find a reason - any explanation as to why this person left their lives- and often to no avail.
We try to reach out, to understand why they did what they did. But again, to no avail. With the parties that leave the relationship, the situation, whatever it may be, there is a hesitance and avoidance of their feelings and the feelings of others. They avoid the relationship and situation because they don't know how to deal with certain feelings, thoughts, and issues that need to be worked out with the person. Unfortunately, they (usually) never are solved.
Behind the people that estrange is a self-perception of weakness, guilt, and anger over who they are. They don't feel they deserve resolution, but often hide behind the guise that they are the greatest conversationalist, are more family oriented than you, and deserve more than what you have because of all they've had to go through. Sure, this person that has gone through whatever he or she has warrants some understanding, but at some point, this deserving and worthy facade must be evaluated as a self-delusion. These people are hurting inside. They need help and they don't want to get help because it confirms what they already think about themselves - the opposite of this guise they present to anyone else.
People who estrange themselves, that as we discussed have some clear and present issues, also tend to be passive aggressive, narcissistic, and have a vendetta for anyone they believe to have done wrong to them. By the use of puppet strings and distance they will try to control you or influence what happens in your life. They will use guilt, false information, and bad intentions to try to get to you.
Be careful. And distance yourself. It's up to you at this point to decide whether you want to try again at a relationship with this person or not. But remember this: you do not owe them anything. Yes, that probably seems a little harsh, but think about it; anyone that puts high expectations on you, that continuously aims to make you feel guilty, and generally does not have good intentions, is not worth having a relationship with. Those that estrange are constantly at war with you whether you notice it or not. They will try to underpin you on something minor just to get a reaction from you, to make you feel what they feel.
This happened to me. It's probably pretty obvious to you at this point. It happened not that long ago, really. For the privacy of the real individuals, I'll call them Damien and Dora. Yeah, probably stupid pseudonyms right? Ah, it works. Damien and Dora were really close with me. They spent almost every waking moment with me, being part of my life starting when I was born to when I was about 16. And then all of a sudden... GONE! I consider myself pretty aware of myself and what's going on around me. But I felt I really missed it when my parents told me all about Damien and Dora - what they were really like. What they really felt about us. Of course, as I've said before, we never really found out why they left us. And why they cancelled us out of their lives for good. It hurts...
Writing this entry now, I'm thinking about all the stories I've been told about Damien and Dora. All the stories that have made me feel that I never knew them and why did I think I could keep a relationship with people like them. See, I tried too hard. I let myself feel bad for their insecurities, their issues, and ultimately, let myself feel guilty about what happened (whatever that may have been). Who knows? What I'm trying to say is: evaluate your relationship. Look at it at every angle and determine what your adding to vs. what they're adding to it. Are they doing things to make you feel bad when you haven't done anything wrong? Are they distancing themselves further and further away from you because of... what?
Estrangement happens everyday on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Tinder, Bumble, and countless others. In a world with instant connection, we also find ourselves in a world with instant rejection and detachment. In the power we hold when we accept someone, we also find power in detaching, rejecting, and... estranging. Yeah, I know; everyone knows it as ghosting. Whatever. Same thing, right? The same thing is being done. Acceptance, convergence, and then BAM, they're gone. We have to remind ourselves that other people have feelings too. Yes, dealing with these feelings - being with them always - is very difficult. We all have things going on, but remember who you are and who you are in a relationship with. Yes, you gain a sense of power from rejecting them once you think they are coming to understand you and your feelings, issues, and your quirks. But is it worth it to set a trend for yourself and others to constantly estrange and never really find love, commitment, and friendship? To never want to open up to someone? To never trust someone that you love and loves you back?
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
Mental Health During A Crisis
As you've noticed by now, my posts are more frequent than I said they would initially be. That's because our current situation as a community, a state, and a country. COVID-19 is the primary focus for all news media and will continue to be so for the foreseeable future. With this being said, we also approach a problem with this pervasive, constant reporting; our worries and fears become magnified by the frequency of information coming at us every second of every day as our phones, tablets, laptops, and TVs update us... well pretty much every second.
This is a time when mental health is especially important to be an advocate for. Mental health is always important, but it's in times of crisis like these that we as individuals, workers, psychology students, and concerned citizens, make sure we are checking in with each other - making sure we are squelching the current reality the media is portraying. Yes, I would like to think that what we are seeing and listening to is altogether truthful and helpful. We would like to think. However, as this crisis is showing us, the media is under an immense amount of pressure to report, report, report, and still beat their competitors. This unfortunately leads to dramatized reporting of cases and what organizations like the CDC and WHO are doing to combat this crisis.
Having this fire hose of news coming at us 24/7 simply is not good for us. It's not good to see more than enough of a situation that we don't really have any say in how it will effect the rest of the world. Yes, we need to continue to follow the guidelines given by the CDC and WHO on how we can individually deal with this crisis, but it doesn't make much sense to constantly look for breaking news. Instead of looking for updates, interviews, and presidential live streams on the situation, we individually need to distance ourselves from a situation that we individually can't turn around.
Doom and gloom? No. I'm just saying that we need to continue to make changes in our own lives and daily practices, but not sweat the nationwide response to this situation. Instead, hunker down with a book, play a video game you've haven't played in a long time; do things that are going to make you happy that will compliment your quarantine and help you distance yourself from the situation if you don't need to be in it.
Remember: be kind to yourself; what you watch, listen to, and read effects you mentally and physically. Practice self-care!
Here are some things I do to practice self-care:
1. Meditate: although I've been a little inconsistent, I try to meditate 3 times a week. Put on some nature sounds or a guided meditation from Spotify. Let yourself let go for even just a few minutes and do it consistently!
2. Deeply focus on a book: Fiction, nonfiction, whatever you want. Find a book you haven't read and probably will enjoy; dive in. You deserve to have time to enjoy a story.
3. Journal my thoughts and feelings: when a though or feeling comes to mind that is disturbing or guilt driven, I write it down. We can only keep thoughts in our head for so long. We need to share. We need to put them down if they're private and troublesome enough to not share with someone else.
4. Exercise: nah, it doesn't need to be a long, grueling workout. I workout for about 15 minutes everyday (mostly everyday). Make sure you're using as many areas as you can to have a satisfying workout despite how short it may be.
5. Eat well: for me breakfast is usually oatmeal or granola with an occasional egg. Lunch? Whatever I end up having I make sure I have some kind of leafy greens, grains, and protein. Dinner? Whatever is being cooked but I'll only have one portion.
6. Treat yourself every once in a while: you have to treat yourself sometimes! For me, I like to treat myself with some kind of cake and a new book.
7. Have conversations: I talk with my parents often. While your inside make sure you have your friends contact info. Call them up or text them. Make sure you're still being social while your home. It will help with feeling lonely and socially deprived.
8. Have a nap: something I save for when I really need it. I take a 25 minute nap. Not much but it can make a difference in how you're feeling about things.
9. Go for a walk: whether it's down the hall in your apartment complex, through a community garden, whatever; take a short walk. Keeping yourself active during down time like this is important for keeping your mind active and fresh.
10. Curate what it is you see on social media: unfollow unnecessarily negative people, groups, or pages on your social media. I'm assuming you're going to be using it while you have more time at home. Make it so you see nice things!
That is all. Be kind to yourself. Keep yourself active physically and mentally.
This is a time when mental health is especially important to be an advocate for. Mental health is always important, but it's in times of crisis like these that we as individuals, workers, psychology students, and concerned citizens, make sure we are checking in with each other - making sure we are squelching the current reality the media is portraying. Yes, I would like to think that what we are seeing and listening to is altogether truthful and helpful. We would like to think. However, as this crisis is showing us, the media is under an immense amount of pressure to report, report, report, and still beat their competitors. This unfortunately leads to dramatized reporting of cases and what organizations like the CDC and WHO are doing to combat this crisis.
Having this fire hose of news coming at us 24/7 simply is not good for us. It's not good to see more than enough of a situation that we don't really have any say in how it will effect the rest of the world. Yes, we need to continue to follow the guidelines given by the CDC and WHO on how we can individually deal with this crisis, but it doesn't make much sense to constantly look for breaking news. Instead of looking for updates, interviews, and presidential live streams on the situation, we individually need to distance ourselves from a situation that we individually can't turn around.
Doom and gloom? No. I'm just saying that we need to continue to make changes in our own lives and daily practices, but not sweat the nationwide response to this situation. Instead, hunker down with a book, play a video game you've haven't played in a long time; do things that are going to make you happy that will compliment your quarantine and help you distance yourself from the situation if you don't need to be in it.
Remember: be kind to yourself; what you watch, listen to, and read effects you mentally and physically. Practice self-care!
Here are some things I do to practice self-care:
1. Meditate: although I've been a little inconsistent, I try to meditate 3 times a week. Put on some nature sounds or a guided meditation from Spotify. Let yourself let go for even just a few minutes and do it consistently!
2. Deeply focus on a book: Fiction, nonfiction, whatever you want. Find a book you haven't read and probably will enjoy; dive in. You deserve to have time to enjoy a story.
3. Journal my thoughts and feelings: when a though or feeling comes to mind that is disturbing or guilt driven, I write it down. We can only keep thoughts in our head for so long. We need to share. We need to put them down if they're private and troublesome enough to not share with someone else.
4. Exercise: nah, it doesn't need to be a long, grueling workout. I workout for about 15 minutes everyday (mostly everyday). Make sure you're using as many areas as you can to have a satisfying workout despite how short it may be.
5. Eat well: for me breakfast is usually oatmeal or granola with an occasional egg. Lunch? Whatever I end up having I make sure I have some kind of leafy greens, grains, and protein. Dinner? Whatever is being cooked but I'll only have one portion.
6. Treat yourself every once in a while: you have to treat yourself sometimes! For me, I like to treat myself with some kind of cake and a new book.
7. Have conversations: I talk with my parents often. While your inside make sure you have your friends contact info. Call them up or text them. Make sure you're still being social while your home. It will help with feeling lonely and socially deprived.
8. Have a nap: something I save for when I really need it. I take a 25 minute nap. Not much but it can make a difference in how you're feeling about things.
9. Go for a walk: whether it's down the hall in your apartment complex, through a community garden, whatever; take a short walk. Keeping yourself active during down time like this is important for keeping your mind active and fresh.
10. Curate what it is you see on social media: unfollow unnecessarily negative people, groups, or pages on your social media. I'm assuming you're going to be using it while you have more time at home. Make it so you see nice things!
That is all. Be kind to yourself. Keep yourself active physically and mentally.
Saturday, March 21, 2020
Coronavirus: Fear of the Unknown
For our first topic post, I want to talk about fear of the unknown as it relates to COVID-19. I know our first introductory post stated our first OFFICIAL post would be posted mid-April. I've changed my mind. I think this is worth talking about now - I mean, why wait, right? So let's go ahead. And I would appreciate your feedback and commentary on the issue at hand.
As we're all stocking up, cancelling plans, and seeing the effects of this virus on our country and on our world, we start to worry. We start to fear what is happening and what will happen. Yes, we all need to be taking steps to prepare for self-quarantine and social distancing. We need to be getting used to the idea of being inside and away from other for a while. However, we also need to be aware of the pitfalls with our worrying and fear that goes into preparing 'for the worst'.
For example, social media. Man, I'll tell you, in the past two or three weeks, I've been seeing so many Facebook friends sharing bogus news stories, memes making light of the situation, and obscene attacks against people who have been preparing themselves and their families for the worst. What do you want them to do? I mean, honestly... But this is where some of the problem lies.
And then there's watching the news. This kinda goes hand-in-hand with social media as far as how a lot of what we see is a dramatized version of the current situation rather than a useful, realistic perspective. I believe, because of the reporting and the mass hysteria that this virus has brought about, many people have come to believe this as a hoax and a political game to get certain people out of office... or get them back in. Let's not focus on this so much. Misinformation is harmful and drives at mass hysteria. For example, about a week ago, I saw someone posting on Facebook about people drinking bleach in hopes of ridding themselves and desensitizing their systems from COVID-19. This is harmful because people could buy into this... people that are very suggestible and that feel very desperate in this situation.
This is where we need to be aware. Many of us are involved in some kind of social media. Instead of posting news articles that outline the negatives (as they often do) reach out to friends whom you haven't talked to in millennia and see how they are and how they're dealing with the situation. Be there for someone, even if you can't physically be there for them. Send stupid but funny cat videos; I do. Memes are good too!
Just as many minimalists think, am I adding value to x by doing y ? Am I creating or taking away from something that should have value?
There are many things to fear. Anticipating what could happen is called fortunetelling; none of us need this. None of us need to project a possible future onto others or ourselves... especially when we know we're projecting onto others that have trouble separating fact from fiction. In this time, as psych students and as individuals in a great country and great world, we must think before we share something, say something, and do something. With this virus, there are many things at stake, but one way we can beat this and practice resilience in the face of other situations now and in the future is to be aware. Think about where you fit in with the rest of your roommates, peers, friends, and family members, and ask yourself, does this add value? Add value, not uncertainty. Knowledge, calm, and distance; not insanity.
Stay tuned for a new post next week!
As we're all stocking up, cancelling plans, and seeing the effects of this virus on our country and on our world, we start to worry. We start to fear what is happening and what will happen. Yes, we all need to be taking steps to prepare for self-quarantine and social distancing. We need to be getting used to the idea of being inside and away from other for a while. However, we also need to be aware of the pitfalls with our worrying and fear that goes into preparing 'for the worst'.
For example, social media. Man, I'll tell you, in the past two or three weeks, I've been seeing so many Facebook friends sharing bogus news stories, memes making light of the situation, and obscene attacks against people who have been preparing themselves and their families for the worst. What do you want them to do? I mean, honestly... But this is where some of the problem lies.
And then there's watching the news. This kinda goes hand-in-hand with social media as far as how a lot of what we see is a dramatized version of the current situation rather than a useful, realistic perspective. I believe, because of the reporting and the mass hysteria that this virus has brought about, many people have come to believe this as a hoax and a political game to get certain people out of office... or get them back in. Let's not focus on this so much. Misinformation is harmful and drives at mass hysteria. For example, about a week ago, I saw someone posting on Facebook about people drinking bleach in hopes of ridding themselves and desensitizing their systems from COVID-19. This is harmful because people could buy into this... people that are very suggestible and that feel very desperate in this situation.
This is where we need to be aware. Many of us are involved in some kind of social media. Instead of posting news articles that outline the negatives (as they often do) reach out to friends whom you haven't talked to in millennia and see how they are and how they're dealing with the situation. Be there for someone, even if you can't physically be there for them. Send stupid but funny cat videos; I do. Memes are good too!
Just as many minimalists think, am I adding value to x by doing y ? Am I creating or taking away from something that should have value?
There are many things to fear. Anticipating what could happen is called fortunetelling; none of us need this. None of us need to project a possible future onto others or ourselves... especially when we know we're projecting onto others that have trouble separating fact from fiction. In this time, as psych students and as individuals in a great country and great world, we must think before we share something, say something, and do something. With this virus, there are many things at stake, but one way we can beat this and practice resilience in the face of other situations now and in the future is to be aware. Think about where you fit in with the rest of your roommates, peers, friends, and family members, and ask yourself, does this add value? Add value, not uncertainty. Knowledge, calm, and distance; not insanity.
Stay tuned for a new post next week!
Thursday, March 19, 2020
Welcome to The Psych Student Blog!
Welcome to The Psych Student!
Well, as a blog. My name is Spencer. I hosted a podcast called The Psych Student: Undergrad Edition podcast for a little under a year. Incidentally, as I'm writing (and trying not to goof on spelling and grammar) the podcast (or at least the undergrad edition) is coming to a close. However, with my renewed interest and mysteriously open schedule, I've decided to start a blog to expand on some of the topics I discuss on the podcast. My reasoning behind this is simple: I think I write way better than I can speak. Anxiety, imposter syndrome, and pretty anything else under the sun habitats my thoughts when I start recording... which then leads to me saying dumb stuff. To those of you out there that have listened to my podcast, you probably already know that! Jokes aside, let me get to what you want to know.
What is this blog going to be about?
As I've said, I want to expand on what I talked about on The Psych Student podcast and go further - dig deeper into areas of psychology that we all want to know more about... issues which we need to know more about to experience more satisfied, self-transforming living. I want this blog to go beyond being just about a student. I want it go past graduation and into the living lives of psychology students and others that might find it useful. Weird sentence, but bare with me.
What will each post look like?
Each post will be about something different. I hope to post once a week for the foreseeable future on a different topic concerning psychology and hopefully directly relating to student life.
What I expect from you?
I really don't expect much from you, the reader, other than that we maintain this blog, the related podcast, and corresponding website as a safe place where we can discuss the topics I will present and comment on. I would also ask that you share or recommend this blog, podcast, and website to someone who might be interested; a student, a friend, a family member - whoever you have in mind.
You should also know that although I want to have many of these posts as research based as possible, there is a limit in my knowledge in some of these areas... meaning, I will sometimes rely on my own superficial thoughts and feelings, as well as rely on your experiences and thoughts.
Let's make this a fun, interesting environment where we can, as psychology students or interested individuals, learn more about our field!
Check for our first OFFICIAL topic post April 20th!
What will each post look like?
Each post will be about something different. I hope to post once a week for the foreseeable future on a different topic concerning psychology and hopefully directly relating to student life.
What I expect from you?
I really don't expect much from you, the reader, other than that we maintain this blog, the related podcast, and corresponding website as a safe place where we can discuss the topics I will present and comment on. I would also ask that you share or recommend this blog, podcast, and website to someone who might be interested; a student, a friend, a family member - whoever you have in mind.
You should also know that although I want to have many of these posts as research based as possible, there is a limit in my knowledge in some of these areas... meaning, I will sometimes rely on my own superficial thoughts and feelings, as well as rely on your experiences and thoughts.
Let's make this a fun, interesting environment where we can, as psychology students or interested individuals, learn more about our field!
Check for our first OFFICIAL topic post April 20th!
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